


the earth is not a cold dead place

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dotae if you squint, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Not Beta Read, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Writer doesn't know how to Tag, or tooth rotting fluff for my standards at least, very light angst, very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-03-02 16:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18814939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "They had history, after all. Unspoken, buried underneath years of friendship and several attempts to meet other people and get over each other, but still history. As far as Taeil knew, Johnny had succeeded and got over him. As far as Taeil knew, that moment they were sharing was platonic. But it didn’t feel platonic now, not anymore."orTaeil is having a shitty birthday and Johnny comes through to save the day.





	the earth is not a cold dead place

**Author's Note:**

> well, this is the first of three taeil centric fics i will post through the tweek (taeil week), the other two won't be under the johnil tag tho.  
> i had a bit of a hard time writing this because 1- it's the longest piece i've ever written (yes); 2- it's hard not to make things sad and angsty but i didn't want to make taeil suffer on his birthday. the title is the same as my favorite ep by a band called explosions in the sky. 
> 
> this is very self indulgent and the plot is basically non-existent, i'm just describing taeil's feelings (mostly) as he tries not to have a bad day. kudos and comments are aaaaaalways appreciated and more than welcome, please let me know what you guys think. i really hope you like this piece, writing it was harder than i thought it would be but i had fun and i liked the results. 
> 
> just for reference: i wrote this with firetruck taeil and superhuman johnny in mind. 
> 
> my twitter is [@bloominggays](http://twitter.com/bloominggays), let's be friends! :)

The clock had just hit midnight. June 14th. Taeil’s phone started to buzz with messages from his friends, everyone wishing him a happy birthday; no one called, probably assuming he was already asleep, which he really wish he was. At least he should be. Maybe he shouldn’t have drank that cup of coffee when he got off work, or maybe he shouldn't be afraid of being twenty six years old.

Taeil knew that, objectively, nothing was going to change. Yes, he was a year older, so what? Still his brain reminded him of his friends teasing him about being the oldest of their group, one quarter of century old. He also remembered his mom telling him about how life went faster and faster as you got older, like he’d wake up someday not knowing where the fuck his youth went. Last year went by so fast, Taeil feels like his 25th birthday was just last week; Johnny and Taeyong surprised him at work and took him to lunch, Doyoung and Jaehyun were there too, they even facetimed Sicheng, who was back in China visiting his family. It was a good day,  he hoped his 26th would be just as good.

Taeil went to bed feeling hopeful and woke up in a good mood. He took some time to reply all the messages everyone sent him, smiling to himself as he read his friends being real dorks and telling him how much they loved him. Taeyong said he was sorry they couldn’t meet to celebrate this time, promised to stop by saturday with a cake and a nice present. Doyoung was with Taeyong and didn’t even bother using his own phone to message Taeil, he just took Taeyong’s phone and sent an audio clip of him singing happy birthday and telling Taeil that there was no need to thank him for such a great gift.

Sicheng wasn’t in China but he was traveling overseas with Jaehyun and that’s how he knew he’d spend his birthday all by himself. Johnny hadn’t sent him anything yet and Taeil tried not to worry about it. Deep down he knew one of best friends would never forget about his birthday, but that hopeful feeling had left him and the thought of Johnny forgetting about him started to sound like something that _could_ happen.

Seemed like none of Taeil’s friends would be with him today and he didn’t want to feel bitter but he couldn’t help it. It was probably a bit ungrateful of him to feel like that after all the lovely messages they sent him, they would probably get together on the weekend anyway, but, really, Taeil couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to be alone _today_ of all days.

Maybe the gods were laughing at him, making it rain as soon as he left home and headed to the subway. _For fuck’s sake, it’s june. Happy birthday to me, hah._ Taeil smiled bitterly to himself and ran to the station.

At least he wasn’t the only one caught by surprise, everyone in the streets complained and did whatever they could to hide from the rain. Taeil actually liked the rain a lot; when he’s safe and warm at home and can just close his eyes and listen to the raindrops falling, washing everything on their way. But not like this, not when he was on his way to work, not when the weather was hot and the rain made the atmosphere feel like Seoul was a giant greenhouse, the air around him so thick it trailed behind him as he tried to get to the subway station as fast as he could.

Things got a bit worse once Taeil got on the subway train. The temperature inside the wagon was cold and he knew he’d be lucky if he made it to the end of the day without getting ill. He spent the 15 minutes ride trying to stop his teeth from chattering and his body from shaking, some people looked at him with pity in their eyes and, at this point, Taeil was about to call in sick and go back home. It was so early in the morning but this was already the worst birthday of his life. So far, he hated being twenty six.

Taeil’s day at work went by smoothly, his co-workers wished him a happy birthday and even got him a cute cupcake. Unfortunately, the bad mood had already taken over him and he did his best to hide it from his colleagues as they dropped by his desk to compliment him, it wasn’t their fault after all. However, Taeil’s face went back to sad-frown-mode when no one was looking at him.

Thinking about spending the whole day by himself and going home to an empty apartment bothered Taeil so much he considered finding some random guy on Tinder, just to keep his bed warm for today. Sadly, his bed wasn’t the only thing in need of warmth. It would make no sense to bring a stranger home when he craved more than sex -- he craved company, intimacy and being taken care of. A deep sigh left Taeil’s mouth as he sank into his chair. He really just wanted this day to be over, even if tomorrow went just as badly, at least it wouldn’t be his birthday anymore, he wouldn’t feel obligated to have a good day and to celebrate something.

A loud noise brought Taeil back from the land of self pity. His phone buzzed over his desk, a soft smile blooming on his lips when he saw who was calling.

“Hey,” Taeil did his best to hide the tiredness on his voice.

“Hello there, birthday boy!” Johnny’s voice, on the other hand, sounded _warm_. “How’s your day going?”

“It’s going okay. How about yours?” No wonder why Taeil got kicked out of the drama club back in high school. He sucked at acting.

“It doesn’t sound like it’s going okay, though. Did something happen?”

“It’s-- It’s just one of those days, you know, when things just don’t work out,” he explained as Johnny hummed in agreement.

“I see... I’m sorry, hyung. Are you doing anything to celebrate your birthday after work?”

“Yes. I’m going back home, to celebrate that this day is finally over.”

“Can I come over, then?” The sudden question surprised Taeil, silence taking over the call while he struggled between his options. See, Johnny and him had a thing. Or should he say they _almost_ had a thing? Johnny liked Taeil for a while, it took Taeil too long to notice and when he fell for Johnny, the american boy was already over it. The whole thing was an unspoken matter, they talked about it with their friends but never had the guts to sort it out between them. It never stopped them from being friends, but Taeil often felt too self-conscious around Johnny, as if his interest was written on his forehead for everyone to see.

“For what?” And _that_ was the answer that Taeil had struggled so much to come up with. He felt sorry for himself and for Johnny.

“What do you mean, for what? To do whatever you feel like doing, it’s your birthday, you’re having a tough day… I’m your friend and I’m free tonight,” Johnny said like it was obvious and it probably was. He was a great friend, caring and sweet, Taeil knew that very well. He could see Johnny doing this for all of their friends. And he secretly hated it, wishing that this meant more to Johnny than it really did.

“Oh. Yeah, sure, I’d love that. I’m not in the mood for drinking or anything like that, though. We can order some food and watch a movie. Is that okay for you?”

“Whatever you say, really. I just don’t want you to have a shitty day,” Taeil knew Johnny was smiling and it made him smile too. Feeling so, _so_ stupid.

“Nice. I’ll probably be home before 6. Call me when you get there.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later,” they ended the call and Taeil just stood there, the land of self pity was now an island too far from his reach, he almost couldn’t see it anymore. What he could see coming was good old anxiety, ready to eat him alive while he waited for the clock to hit 5 in the afternoon so he could run back home and wait for Johnny.

 _Please, don’t expect anything. Please, don’t hurt yourself like that._ Taeil kept repeating these words inside his head, pondering if he should tell Doyoung about this and ask his opinion or if he should just keep it all to himself and eventually explode before he could even leave his desk.

Anxiety kept him company for his remaining time at work. First of all, with or without Johnny, Taeil really wanted to go home. And being alone with Johnny today, of all days, when he was feeling vulnerable and needy… it didn’t seem like a good idea. Not because he believed something might happen between them, Taeil knew Johnny didn’t see him like that anymore, but because he was afraid of losing control over his own feelings and hurting himself. _Happy birthday! You got yourself a heartbreak._

When the shift was finally over, Taeil rushed his way to the subway. The sunset colored the sky a mix of blue-purple-orange-red-and-yellow, making the scenery around him look like a surrealist painting and he stopped for a while to admire. The sight in front of him so beautiful, maybe it was a good sign. Maybe his birthday still could be saved. Or maybe, you know, it was just a beautiful sunset and he should savor it anyway; a tiny silver lining on such a frustrating day.

Someone bumped into Taeil, abruptly bringing him back from his daydreaming. A bit confused, he noticed the person was a woman who didn’t even bother apologizing. Taeil watched as her thin and small figure kept running and looking smaller and smaller, she probably had a place to go. And so did he, but in that moment, he wasn’t sure if he was ready for what destiny had in store for him. The optimistic feeling lasted for only a couple of minutes until it was replaced with fear and anxiety once again. The rest of the walk to the subway station was probably harder than it should have been, Taeil’s thoughts holding him back, making him want to give up and just hide until the day was over. He probably could come up with an excuse to tell Johnny.

However, _something_ in the back of his mind reminded him of how bad of a person that would make him. He wasn’t like that at all and Johnny didn’t deserve to be treated this way either. Taeil got his shit together (or at least tried to) and got into the train, finally on his way back home. Those 15 minutes felt like an eternity and perhaps his mom lied to him and time didn’t move faster as you got older, perhaps Taeil was going to stay stuck there agonizing between wanting to run away and wanting to know how his night was going to end. He was wondering how many hours could fit in those minutes when the speakers announced that his stop was the next one. For brief seconds he forgot about Johnny and everything else and just felt relieved that he was going home. Then it hit him that he wasn’t the only one heading to his apartment right now.  

Taeil was walking way too slowly, as if trying to delay his arrival while the voice on the back of his head was back again, telling him that there was nothing to worry about, that it was only Johnny and the worst thing that could happen was for him to fall a little more. And that, Taeil knew, was kind of unavoidable (he just didn’t feel like accepting it just yet). Falling for Johnny was very easy and very natural, you just had to pay attention to him for a while.

Despite the slow pace, Taeil arrived at his building’s doorstep. He entered the hall and waited for the elevator in silence, feeling tired and upset, still wondering if it was a good idea to let Johnny come over. He wanted to take a long shower and go to bed and was pondering whether he should just text Johnny calling the whole thing off, giving no excuses, or if he should let his friend try to save what was left of his birthday, when Johnny himself texted him, letting him know he was on his way. It seemed like Johnny had decided for him.

Even that tranquilizing voice in the back of Taeil’s head sounded a bit high pitched now. It kept telling him that it would be just fine but it was harder to believe now that every cell in his body was in panic. It wouldn’t take long for Johnny to arrive and Taeil was too busy staring at his own door, unable to get inside his own apartment. He inhaled deeply, trying to find at least an ounce of tranquility inside himself. Taking small steps was the way. First, he would get in, then he would worry about taking a shower, then he would worry about getting dressed with something decent and then, just then, he would worry about Johnny. Of course it all was easier said than done, but he had to try, didn’t he?

Step one: _go inside_. Taeil entered his password on the digital door lock and got inside the apartment, an irrational fear inside him told him not to turn on the lights, afraid of finding Johnny already sitting on the couch waiting for him. Of course there was no one else but Taeil inside the flat. No sign of Johnny sitting on the black couch (for now).

Step two: _taking a nice and long shower._  Taeil left his briefcase and his sweater on his bed and then headed to the bathroom, doing everything too slowly, still trying to fight against time. He took his time as he undressed himself and tried to get rid of all those worries he had on his mind as easily as he got rid of the clothes he wore all day. The blond was going inside the shower when he heard his phone buzzing once again… someone was calling. Not someone, Johnny.

Taeil didn’t pick up. He took his phone, texted Johnny the passwords to his building and his apartment and told the younger to make himself comfortable while Taeil took his well deserved shower. Maybe he should behave like a good host but Johnny would understand him better than anyone else. No one could ever be a good company after a day like Taeil had and he definitely would feel more like an actual person if he just washed all that bad energy out of his body. Of course Johnny wouldn’t mind.

It seemed like the hot water washed not only Taeil’s body, but also all of his thoughts. He didn’t know how long he just stood there under the shower, doing nothing, just feeling the water running through his body and helping him relax. For a few minutes he worried about Johnny but it didn’t take long before the steam blurred the space around him and everything he had in mind as well.

When Taeil was done showering, Johnny didn’t seem like a problem anymore. Why would he be a problem, anyway? He was there being a good and supportive friend, that can hardly be a problem. And falling in love can be a problem too but only if you’re in love with someone that isn’t worthy of it. Johnny probably did not reciprocate Taeil’s feelings but he deserved everything the elder felt for him. And even if Taeil got hurt… well, that’s just part of being alive, isn’t it? Heartbreak won’t kill him. Or at least he hoped it wouldn’t.

Feeling renewed, Taeil left the bathroom with a towel around his waist when he heard a voice calling him from the living room.

“Hyung?” There was some kind of shyness in Johnny’s voice. He probably felt a bit embarrassed to be there on his own and it made Taeil feel guilty.

“I’m here! Just got out of the shower, I’m gonna dress myself and be there in a minute! I’m sorry for taking so long.”

The younger said it was okay and Taeil rushed to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Time for step three. Should he just wear his pajamas? Or would it be rude? He definitely wouldn’t wear denim to stay inside. He opened his small closet and stared at his clothes. His body begged for some comfort, so he took his favorite pair of sweat shorts. Taeil then chose a nice t-shirt so he didn’t look too sloppy. Looking in the mirror, Taeil really liked what he saw and felt a sudden wave of confidence -- not the kind of confidence that makes you hit on one of your best friends, but the kind of confidence that makes you realize that you’re going to be just fine. His bleach blond hair looked good and surprisingly healthy, the grey shorts were comfortable and made him look cute and the t-shirt he chose was, in fact, the one Johnny had given him a few years ago as a christmas gift, an official Coldplay t-shirt he liked so much he avoided using it so it would last longer. For the first time since he left the house this morning, Taeil felt like a real person again and not just a pile of self pity and fear. He was twenty six and he was going to survive.

Taeil left his room and walked to the living room, where he met a distracted Johnny sitting on his couch. The tall boy was reading a book that looked like one of the books Taeil had on his shelf, completely unaware of the latter’s presence. The sight felt kind of domestic and it warmed Taeil’s heart. Right now, looking at his friend sitting there all focused and willing to wait for him for the rest of the night if he had to, Taeil wondered why the hell he had spent so much time panicking. There was nothing to fear, he was home, he was comfortable. He didn’t want to be alone and he wasn’t, Johnny was there for him. Johnny was always there for him, that’s why he fell in the first place. And that was also the reason why he wasn’t afraid of falling even deeper, not anymore.

“Hyung? What are you doing standing there?” Johnny brought Taeil back from his thoughts.

“Oh! I saw you reading and you looked so focused I didn’t want to interrupt,” that wasn’t a total lie. Johnny was sitting with his legs crossed and the book he was reading now rested on his lap.

“I took it from your shelf, I hope you don’t mind,” he smiled and the dimple on his right cheek made an appearance.

“I did tell you to make yourself comfortable. I’m glad you actually did it,” Taeil smiled back at Johnny and was walking towards the couch when the brunette suddenly stood up and engulfed him in a tight and warm hug.

“Happy birthday, hyung,” he said right into Taeil’s right ear. “I’m sorry your birthday sucked but I’m here to make it better.”

The birthday boy smiled wide and genuinely, feeling like he was about to puke a big ball of light and gratefulness. “I’m happy you’re here, Johnny. Thanks for coming.”

It started raining again but now the rain couldn’t bother Taeil anymore. He and Johnny were sitting on stools by kitchen isle, eating in silence because the food Johnny brought was too good for them to spend time talking. Thai food was something they both loved but didn’t get to eat as often as they would like and the fact that Johnny remembered that and used it to make Taeil’s day birthday better was so heartwarming.

The rain intensified as the men finished their dishes and the streets were already empty in spite of the hour. Thunders could be heard and Taeil suddenly felt tense; he liked rain but had an irrational fear of thunders. Something similar to a huge flashlight lit the living room in such way that could be seen from the kitchen and a loud thundering noise followed the light after milliseconds. Even before Taeil could scream in fear, the lights already went out and they were left in the dark.

“Johnny?” the older asked, his voice trembled and he felt slightly embarrassed for that.

“Yes, hyung. I think there was a power outage,” Johnny replied, laughing lightly at the end of his sentence because of how obvious he sounded.

“I-- I’m afraid of thunders? And I kinda can’t move right now because of that,” Taeil heard the man in front of him moving from his seat, “but don’t worry about it. I want to ask you to find the candles I have on the cabinet under the sink. Let’s light them up.”

“Oh. Right. Okay. Just a second.”

Johnny turned on his phone’s flashlight and went to get the candles Taeil told him about. There weren’t many of them but he guessed it would be enough until the power was turned back on. He lit one of the candles and put it over the kitchen counter next to where Taeil was sitting and smiled at him fondly before proceeding to the living room and placing a candle over the center table and another one over the shelf, far enough from the tv and the books.

Back to the kitchen, Johnny asked Taeil if he wanted to go to the living room, to what he agreed. They would deal with the leftovers and the dishes later, when it wasn’t so dark and Taeil wasn’t feeling so jumpy. He felt somehow stupid but it was an irrational reaction to the thunders and, now, all the darkness around him.

Taeil had planned for them to binge watch something on Netflix just to kill time and enjoy each other’s company but that plan was unavailable now. Another thunder fell, way too close to the building, and Taeil couldn’t help but scream and run straight to the couch, where he wrapped himself up on his favorite blanket and lay down. Johnny ran right after the elder and kneeled down on the floor beside him.

“Hyung, I’m here, you know that, right?” Johnny’s soothing tone helped Taeil focus on what was happening around him again.

“I know. I’m sorry for being like this, I really can’t help it,” he can’t remember if Johnny ever saw him like that but he hoped his friend wouldn’t judge him for acting so irrational.

“Can you make some space for me?” the request wasn’t sudden but felt like it anyways. Taeil knew he was about to enter an endangered zone, his heartbeat now had one more reason to refuse to slow down and the air seemed to vanish from his lungs. He craved that kind of closeness as much as he wanted to avoid it.

With a smile, he said that, of course, there was enough space for both of them on the couch. And with an even bigger smile, Johnny joined him there. At first they just stayed there, side to side, facing the ceiling in such an awkward position and it seemed as both of them had forgotten why they were there and that they are actually best friends. Another thunder got Taeil out of the chaos that was going on inside his mind and he screamed in fear once again. Johnny’s immediate reaction was to hug Taeil very tightly, trying to calm him down and make him feel safe.

Right now all the blond could feel and see was Johnny. Johnny, Johnny, _Johnny._ Johnny, who smelled like clean clothes, lemongrass and safety. With his head buried on the other’s neck, the irrational and frightened thoughts about the storm outside were now blurred and distant. And even his panicked thoughts about being in love with Johnny were gone for good. With his mind almost completely blank, Taeil couldn’t think much but felt everything around him. All that warmth, the tip of Johnny’s fingers drawing abstract lines on his back and every single movement he dared to make. Taeil also thought he felt Johnny trembling as they got closer but it was probably just an impression. Or just a reaction to how the temperature dropped so quickly once it started raining, who knows, but for sure it wasn’t a reaction to Taeil himself.

Taeil remained static, the world around him moving too fast and too slow at the same time; Johnny was breathing dangerously close to his left ear and there was something about how their bodies fit together in all their contrariety, it was driving him insane and _thank god_ mind reading wasn’t a thing and there was not enough light for Johnny to really see how much of a mess Taeil was looking now that his ability to hide his thoughts had gone to hell.

“Hyung?” a husky voice called.

Taeil was terrified of opening his mouth and letting his thoughts escape. “Hm?”

“Are you feeling better?”

“Uh,” he didn’t know how to answer. Was he? _No. Yes. No. Yes._ _No. NO. Yes._ A sigh. “I think so, Johnny,” Taeil told the other almost whispering, doing his best to sound casual and not at all drunk on Johnny’s smell and presence and every single move. “Thank you for being here.”

Johnny’s body relaxed a little. “I couldn’t be anywhere else today,” there was a smile on his face, Taeil could sense it. A different smile that gave his words a different tone and made the elder wonder what Johnny truly meant.

They stayed there lying together on Taeil’s couch for god knows how long. They didn’t really talk, the silence around them was a comfortable one and the candle lights made the atmosphere feel even more intimate -- and you’d think that it couldn’t get much more intimate than lying on the couch with someone, bodies so close that they could feel each other’s every movement, even the weakest, slightest ones.

Despite the fact that they didn’t really _need_ to talk, Taeil wondered what was going on inside Johnny’s mind. That was also something he was really afraid of, of course. Rationally, he know Johnny wasn’t thinking anything mean about him, he knew Johnny was probably feeling very okay with their current situation, he knew Johnny was also probably very glad help to be there and to help his friend feel safe and protected. Taeil _knew._  Johnny had said it. He had objectively said it, with his own mouth. Yet still, Taeil was a little prone to paranoia and none of those things mattered because his brain was giving him a list of reasons why Johnny actually regretted being there. Needless to say not a single item on that list made any sense but that’s the thing about being paranoid: it doesn’t make sense because it’s not supposed to. It’s supposed to be loud, loud enough to cover the thoughts that sound reasonable and closer to reality.

Once again, Taeil was glad mind reading wasn’t a thing or Johnny would know just how much his best friend was fucked up. Johnny had an idea, obviously, they had spent way too much time together and he always told Taeil do his best to exercise self-love and always told Taeil how much he was loved and appreciated and that his paranoid thoughts were just that: thoughts. They were not and would never be true. In fact, Taeil could hear Johnny’s voice inside his head as he tried to fight those thoughts about Johnny himself.

“Hell, I’m completely bonkers,” Taeil said. Realizing right after that he didn’t just _think_ , he had said it.

“Huh?” Johnny chuckled and a wave of embarrassment washed over the man in front of him. Thank god for the power outage, thank god for the candles, thank god Johnny couldn’t see Taeil’s cheeks reddening.

“Ah! I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud,” the blond responded. Johnny chuckled again and tried his best to meet Taeil’s eyes but he looked down, burying his face on the other’s neck even deeper. When Taeil inhaled he realized he didn’t think this through, because now Johnny’s scent was stronger and it was intoxicating him and whatever he thoughts he had about explaining why the hell he was talking to himself out loud were now gone. He figured there was no way out; if he tried to hide from the brunette’s gaze, he would end up breathing Johnny almost literally.

_Say something, Taeil._

“I was thinking to myself that I’m completely bonkers, there’s no mystery to it,” Taeil tried to explain and scoffed to himself.

“Well, you _are_ completely bonkers, I’m forced to agree with that,” Johnny shrugged and then pulled Taeil even closer. “But that’s why I like you, hyung. That’s one of the best things about you.” He was smiling, it was easy to tell. But he also sounded very genuine and very honest and despite the fact that Johnny probably didn’t mean like as in “I want to date you”, hearing those words when they were just so close sent Taeil to the moon. Oh, he was orbiting right now, floating in outer space without never leaving that couch.

“Good to know that _someone_ finds my insanity endearing,” Taeil replied, an involuntary sigh leaving his mouth.

“You might not believe me, but you are a very endearing person, Moon Taeil,” there were some seriousness to Johnny’s words but his smile was still there. “If only you knew it.”

And with that, Taeil was sent further away. He was orbiting around Venus and the Earth is nothing but a tiny blue dot in the distance. His head was spinning and maybe he was just seeing things that weren’t there but it did sound like Johnny was flirting and he was physically close enough to hear the latter’s heart jumping around and beating fast, faster as milliseconds went by and he waited for Taeil to reply. That voice inside Taeil’s head still told him that Johnny didn’t mean it like that, not at all, he was just being a good friend, but the sound of Johnny’s beating heart was so loud and so beautiful and it echoed through space -- whoever said there was no sound in outer space was clearly lying, the whole universe danced to Johnny’s heartbeat.

_Now back to Earth._

“You’ve been my friend for long enough to know that I don’t know much about anything,” Taeil told him, not sure if he was making sense. “But maybe you can help me understand.”

“Maybe I can,” Johnny reasoned as he casually started drawing circles on the other’s back again. “To be honest, I’ve been meaning to let you know for quite a while now, but the timing never seemed right.” Johnny sounded like he was talking to himself, thinking out loud more than directing his words to someone else in the room. However, what was said sent shivers down Taeil’s spine. They had history, after all. Unspoken, buried underneath years of friendship and several attempts to meet other people and get over each other, but still history. As far as Taeil knew, Johnny had succeeded and got over him. As far as Taeil knew, that moment they were sharing was platonic. But it didn’t feel platonic now, not anymore. “I think now is the perfect time.”

The hand Johnny had drawing circles on Taeil’s back was now delicately tracing a line to the elder’s neck, raising the tension between them as his fingers made his way up Taeil’s body. There was a t-shirt between the tip of Johnny’s fingers and the skin of Taeil’s back but the gesture held so much intimacy, there was no way Taeil was misreading any of this; it was enough to convince even his own paranoia. Something was happening between them and, whatever it was, things could never be the same after that night.

Taeil didn’t know how to feel about all of this but now he came to understand how unavoidable that situation was. If it wasn’t today, it would happen any other day after that, but it would happen because Johnny and him had to sort their feelings out. All the unsaid things between them would suffocate their beautiful relationship, the ‘what if’s and all the pining would become too much sooner or later. They would ruin their friendship out of fear of ruining their friendship.

As Taeil tried to make sense of what was going on, the man in front of him decided it was time to talk. After inhaling very deeply, he pushed himself away from Taeil just a tiny bit, just enough for them to be able to look at each other (even if they couldn’t see much). Taeil looked up to meet Johnny’s gaze, not trying to hide himself for the first time since they had lain on that couch. Johnny exhaled.

“So,” he started. “I know you know, I think you’ve known for a while, but I still think I should tell you. Just so you’ve heard it from me.” He was smiling and Taeil couldn’t quite see it but he _knew_ and that was enough to make him smile timidly as well.

“I like you, Moon Taeil. And you know that. I know somewhere down the road you’ve started liking me too, what I don’t know is if that feeling is still there. And if it is, if you want to do something about it.  I see how you look at me sometimes but I also see how you avoid being alone with me, how you sometimes tell me I should just find someone… you’re a riddle I can’t seem to solve. So you have tell me yourself.”

Taeil was floating again. Probably somewhere near the Sun because it was so warm, just so warm, everything inside and around him was warm. His heart probably wasn’t made of muscles and blood, it’s ember and it was emanating heat through all of his body. Taeil was floating but he needed to come down because there was something he desperately needed to say. Slowly, he descended.

Silence.

Johnny gave him time. He didn’t know how long it took him to react but Johnny didn’t mind. The younger just stayed there and waited.

_Breathe, Taeil. Breathe._

“Thank you,” was what Taeil said, simply. He breathed once again. “For waiting. For not leaving.”

Running his fingers through Johnny’s hair in the specific way one does to the person they’re in love with, the blond searched for the exact words to explain how he felt. Johnny had his eyes shut as he waited for Taeil to talk, like he knew the latter wasn’t done yet. Because when it came to Taeil, Johnny always knew -- or, at least, 99% of the times.

“I knew about you,” Taeil continued. “I think I always knew, I just wasn’t ready to face reality. I’m always too afraid and I couldn’t risk losing you, could I?”

_Breathe._

“There is not much left to say, Johnny. Look at us right now,” he chuckled, eyes scanning through Johnny’s face for any kind of reaction. The taller man was just staring back, soft smile planted on his lips as he waited. Johnny knew a lot about having patience.

“For a few seconds, while you talked to me, I thought we were really dumb, hyung,” Johnny sounded peaceful, like he was finally breathing after holding his breath for a long time. “But there is nothing dumb about letting time do its thing. If we had said anything anytime sooner, maybe it would have ruined everything for us, to the point that we couldn’t even give it a try.”

Like all other times, Johnny was right. He might be the younger one, but he sure was the wisest between them. It’s not that Taeil wasn’t intelligent but he was impulsive, impatient, stubborn. And Johnny was just the opposite. He didn’t mind the wait if he knew it would be worth it. And he didn’t mind leaving if he knew it would be for the best. Taeil trusted Johnny’s judgement more than anything and that was how he decided to give them a chance. If Johnny thought they could make it, then Taeil thought so too.

“I’m sorry for making you wait,” Taeil whispered. Johnny grinned and pulled him even closer. Closer than ever now that the emotional distance between them was nonexistent. Johnny didn’t say anything, he just kept looking into Taeil’s eyes and smiling like he knew something the latter didn’t, like maybe he could see the future. Taeil breathed, drinking in Johnny’s scent and breath once again. The rain outside was still falling, the power was still out and that couch was where their existence begun and ended; there was no Time anymore, there was Johnny, there was Taeil and there was a blanket wrapping them together as the world awaited patiently. It stopped turning and wouldn’t resume its rotation unless the two of them wanted it to.

“We’re here now, aren’t we?” Johnny finally responded, face so close to Taeil’s that their noses brushed.

Taeil inhaled deeply once again and closed his eyes, trying to absorb this new reality he was living in. “We are. We finally are.”

It would be a lie if any of them said they didn’t want to kiss each other. Hell, they’ve been dreaming about this moment for quite a while, always reminding themselves that it would never happen for real. But it was different now. This was not a dream, this was their truth but it still felt too fragile. The anticipation tasted so sweet both of them need more time to savor it before going further.

Time stops.

Or at least felt like it. Not even in Taeil’s wildest dreams he could have imagined that this was how his birthday was going to be. Imagine if he had ditched Johnny like he considered doing, imagine if he was all by himself while there was a storm out there. Imagine not being surrounded by Johnny’s atmosphere.

Oh, he would have never known how it feels to go to space without leaving his couch.  Nevermind the rain, he had the Sun so close to him it made all the other stars seem insignificant.

Taeil wondered if Johnny felt the same or if he was being pathetic, too romantic and too much in love. He wondered if the younger was just like him, lost in thoughts and too scared to make a move because what they had now was already more than he thought his heart could handle. Johnny was just there, standing still and Taeil almost believed time had actually stopped.

It was funny to think about how Taeil cogitated installing Tinder and bringing a stranger home. It was funny because this, right now, was exactly what he wanted and needed; not meaningless sex with a stranger, but intimacy. Instead of the fire, he needed the warmth. Johnny was the Sun but he didn’t shine too bright nor did he burn. In fact, he helped creating life, for Taeil could swear there were flowers blooming inside himself, sappy as it may sound.

Carry on.

“Look, the last candle is about to burn out,” Johnny pointed out. “Do you want me to get more candles? I know you’re not a big fan of the darkness.”

He was right, Taeil really hated being in the dark. It was something he couldn’t explain but he hated it, he only ever slept with his door half-open and the hallway lights turned on, allowing the light to enter his bedroom. Taeil hated the darkness but he was fine now, he was not alone and he was distracted with something bigger and more interesting than his own fear.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind being in the dark today. I’m not alone, so there is not much to worry about,” Taeil explained and Johnny assented. If he understood correctly what the elder meant, Taeil felt safe around him, safe enough to forget about his fear of the dark. The thought made him feel like a teenager, a tingling sensation spreading all over his body.

“Penny for thought?” the blond interrupted Johnny’s daydreaming, looking at him with eyes so wide and shiny he could see them despite the lack of light in the living room. Johnny smiled after returning with another question.

“Do you really want to know?”

Taeil frowned cutely as a reaction. “Of course I do.”

“Well, I was thinking about how I’m thankful to be here today,” the younger responded, trying his best not to sound too emotional. He then paused for short seconds and sighed happily. “I’m just glad. That’s it.” There was more to it, of course, but some things are better left unsaid, at least for now.

“Oh,” Taeil knew the other probably just gave him a short answer -- not an insincere one, just a short version of what was going on inside him. “I’m glad too. I have a birthday wish, though.” His eyes were still soft but there was an ounce of eagerness in them, Johnny could sense it.

“I guess it’s my turn to say ‘oh’,” he giggled and Taeil smiled back at him, eyes suddenly challenging. “It’s your birthday, go ahead.”

Taeil bit his lower lip, knowing exactly what he wanted to say but feeling a bit hesitant.

_Breathe._

“Can I kiss you?” he finally let out. His breathing was irregular and his heartbeat so loud he was afraid the whole neighborhood might have heard it. Johnny blinked several times before saying anything, his mouth unconsciously open in the shape of an ‘o’. It would be a lie to say that he didn’t see it coming, but it didn’t mean he was ready to hear those words. He never would be.

Taeil was about to speak again, looking clearly regretful, when the younger closed the distance between them. It was clumsy and a bit awkward but it was good and exactly what both of them had dreamed of through all these years. The elder’s lips were cold against his but he didn’t mind, they’ve always been like that and it was one of the reasons why this felt so right. “Yes,” Johnny said into Taeil’s mouth, making him giggle.

They parted the kiss but it was too soon. Taeil got pulled back to Earth and his eyes were closed but he was still seeing stars. “You should have said that before kissing me, you know.”

“I know,” Johnny nodded in agreement. “But my body was faster than my brain, I couldn’t help it.”

Taeil laughed and kissed Johnny again. And again. And again. And again. Until their lips were swollen and they were out of breath, no composure left between them. Looking at each other with eyes hazy after so much time with their lips almost glued together, they laughed for no reason at all. Just because they could.

While Johnny and Taeil had fun in their own alternate universe, the power was turned back on in the real world. Johnny celebrated but Taeil frowned at all those lights. Maybe he was growing fond of the dark -- at least when there was a certain person next to him.

“Wait a sec,” Taeil asked before leaving the couch and disappearing into the kitchen. Much to Johnny’s confusion, he came back holding two candles and placed them exactly where his best friend (boyfriend?) had placed the first candles hours ago. Then, he turned all the lights off again and closed the curtains with an over dramatic motion, recreating the scenario they had around them while the power was out.

“I thought you didn’t like the dark,” Johnny said when Taeil went back to the couch. Taeil grinned at the other’s words, realizing just how many things had changed that night. For better.

“I thought so too,” the blond agreed. “But I like it when I’m with you.”

Johnny beamed beautifully, all teeth and wrinkled eyes. Once again, Taeil couldn’t really see much, but he knew. He could feel it.

“You should blow out one of these candles,” the taller suggested, kissing  the tip Taeil’s nose. “It’s your birthday, after, all.”

Taeil grimaced at the suggestion before replying, a playful yet soft look in his eyes. “I already have here everything I’ve ever wished for.”

 


End file.
